♪I Know You, You Hate Me♫

Relationships weren’t meant to last.

Recently, it has come to my attention that popular culture has decided to go in a ‘relationship’ direction, giving television viewers saucy love lives and newspaper addicts some juicy marital gossip on celebrity icons. In fact, Helga tells me that this has been going on for quite a while, and i must be some nomadic hermit not to notice. Forgive me for enjoying the more complex things in life besides updates on either fictional characters or the people who play fictional characters.

Untrue remarks aside, it has come to my attention also that people rather enjoy something as trivial as the relationships of those more fortunate than they, as if it were of some importance. Untrue remarks permitting, this is incredibly interesting to me.

The reason I bother to bring this up is not to point out how poorly it is that people choose to spend their waking lives, nor how ridiculous it is that prime-time dramas have their own magazine. I am here to discuss relationships, and how they were intended to work. Be advised, the following content may lead to thoughts of incredible irony and a thirst for human elbow grease.

You see, I have had the pleasure of never being in a serious relationship, be it marriage, girlfriend, boyfriend, friend-with-benefits, or any of the other synonymous statements relating to anything more than a friend. I have, however, had the chance to observe those around me in said relationships, be they deep and loving, or just plain fruitless. And so, without the distraction of human companionship on a deeper level, my mind has been clear enough to assess other relationships and come to a decent theory that would have a high standing in any field of research involving human behavior.

When an individual enters a relationship, they usually enter it because the other individual of the pair have some quality that the first individual [refers, be it their looks, their intelligence, their friendliness, or any of an assortment of qualities that make humans so ‘human’. Indeed, the occasional couple may find that they are perfect for each other, and fall madly and deeply in love. Usually, a relationship ensues, and regular systems of chronological process are followed blindly and inefficiently.

However, human psychology was not designed with relationships in mind. In fact, relationships of certain degrees can cause severe damaging to an individuals mental health, both short and long term. No, relationships are the bane of human existence, and the mind recognizes this, even if the body refuses to.

There is a theory that states that no two people are perfect for each other, for no two people are exactly the same. This is a truth that the mind is programmed with, and is seen quite clearly through the actions associated with a relationship.

To put bluntly, relationships, no matter how strong or devoting they are, can never exist indefinitely: people will eventually despise each other, and the relationship will fail. ‘True Love’ is a concept thought up by movie producers who thought that love was an excellent catalyst for money (strangely, this is true: how much do you spend on your loved one?). For those not in a solid relationship, read on if it suits you. For those with strong, wonderful relationships, you’re welcome too.

In relationships, there is a ‘link’ between two people. This link acts as their reason for being together, comprised of all the good qualities they see in each other, and naturally the better the relationship, the bigger and stronger the link. As time goes on, that link begins to suffer slightly, age beginning to fray it about the edges. When, at long last, a fragment of the link is separated and lost from the link, the mind quickly act to fill that link with something. Unfortunately for those in a relationship, the replacement is never quite as good as the original piece.

This ‘false’ piece of the link inspires further decay as the remaining original link attempts to compensate for lost effort: chunks of the link are destroyed, leaving nothing behind, having to be replaced by inferior qualities. As this process wears on, the individuals of the link begin to lose the relation elation that kept them together, and the new-found negativity brings about further weakening of the bond between the two.

And so, the process continues: as the powerful bonds that held people together are severed one by one, weaker bonds take their place. And even when all the original linking bonds are gone, the replacement bonds begin to suffer also, being replaced with either better or worse links. This explains why people have a ‘falling out’ stage, and have a brief reconciliation before leading to further decay.

Eventually, the link holding two individuals together is at breaking point, having been pulled to it’s last bonds. The individuals feel none of the old feelings they had for each other, instead feeling a deep loathing towards one another. This is the final stage of a relationship, and applies to any kind of relationship. Even deep friendships can be affected by this, though this is rare, and commonly requires a more powerful catalyst than time to weaken a link.

Naturally, there are certain relationships that last the test of time, examples being when a married couple die loving each other, though this is no different to the original theory: the link holding the individuals together was strong, but would have eventually worn away, given more time. The couple were just lucky enough to die before their love life did. Of course, there would have been some imperfect bonds in the relationship while alive, though lack of sufficient living entities would have led to minimal results, though the couple would have felt differently about each other from when they first met to when they died, and all probability states that they would have been all the worse for it. Oh well.

This theory has been widely criticized. So much so, in fact, that is is now a major accepted theory on behavioral psychology, is in the running for a Nobel Peace Prize (heavens knows why) and is being made into a major motion picture starring Robin Williams and Shia LeBeouf (I plan to remove the latter actor by any means necessary, or by whatever means I deem most inventive, as soon as my schedule frees up). So the theory is certainly sound.

If you happen to be in a relationship with someone at the present time, there is a short-term solution I can recommend: dump the current individual you are with, find a lesser quality individual, and spend a time of your choosing with that individual. Assuming the other individual hasn’t done the same thing, you are then free to leave and return to the original, better relationship and continue along the track without the wear of time destroying the original link. Unfortunate side effects may include a corrupted link, less satisfying relationships and greater effects on existing links in future by extended periods of time. This one’s a wild card laced with nitro glycerin, so only commit to it if you lack a creative spark of your own.

Yours Unaccountably,

Crane.

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